A dog's life.

I asked a friend today what dog she would be if she could be a dog. Her response: One of those ones u shove in ur purse...
Or a Lab

I really don't care what kind of dog I am, I'd just like to be any dog so I can piss on whatever I want, screw whatever I want, poo where ever I want and have somebody pick it up for me. When they bent down I would look at them and say to myself every time, "That's right, kneel before Zod!"

That would be awesome.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. Someone asked me today what my plans were and I told them the following:

Plans...

I was thinking of finding a fat kid and stealing his lunch money. Then I thought I would make fun of a retarded person. I might feel bad for a second but then I'd come to the realization that it's my birthday and for one day out of the year I can do as I want. Besides, I'm not retarded and that's awesome. Finally, I might go to a shady Korean "spa" and end the day happily.

I love my birthday.

Ma.

I saw a guy try to abbreviate the month of May the other day. How lazy do you have to be? September I can understand. Even that word abbreviated is long that the entire word May. This guy must be the laziest human being on the planet. If I looked up Sloth in the dictionary, the first thing I word see is his picture, the second thing I would see is that the word is not abbreviated. That's weird.

Sweat

Where do you sweat? For some they sweat profusely from their arm pits or their head. I sweat on my back. As soon as the temperature rises or I exert myself in anyway, my back is like Niagara Falls. This might sound disgusting to you but I don't care what you think, this is my blog. Besides, you sweat some where and I'm sure it's pretty nasty when excessive. I know girls who get stains on their shirts under their arms when they sweat. I don't have that problem. Thank god too because that's just gross.

Road Side

I get a kick out of the Mexican women who stand by the side of the road at intersections on very hot days. Sometimes selling fruit but more often then not they are selling bottles of water for $1. Now, I'm thinking that it cannot be that cost effective if they are selling it for that price because I can buy $1 bottles of water in any convenience store. Yesterday I was in the supermarket and noticed that there were 35-packs of bottles of water for only $7. Hell, that's an incredible profit margin if you are making $28 on every 35-pack of water you sell by the side of road. On a real hot day, I'd think you could sell as many bottles as your car could hold. You'd have to factor in the cost of ice but it can't be much. The best thing is that if they get too hot, there is plenty of water for them to drink. I'm in the wrong business.

Paper cuts

I am convinced that paper is malicious in nature. There is no better way to explain the paper cut. I think it is revenge for cutting down the trees with which to make the stuff. They feel slighted and in turn react by cutting us like a little Japanese girl yelling, "I'll cut you, bitch!"
Sure, you can crumple up the little bastard and throw him away but his brothers are waiting in line like martyrs to take up the cause and cut you again. It is no use to fight as fighting is futile. I think there is a coalition forming between paper and pencils. They've been in cahoots for a long time now. The pencil, in its own form of defiance, does not physically harm you like paper does. It annoys you by going limp and snapping as you write your words. I hate that. First the pencil snaps, ruining the page for me, and then the paper cuts me adding injury to insult.
I just hope the computer doesn't take up the cause as well and try to electrocute me.

Lefty Smudgy

Who ever created the erasible pen was obviously a hater of lefties. I am a lefty and I feel the wrath of that individual every time I pick up and write with an erasible pen. First of all, the idea behind the erasible pen is ridiculous. If you are that concerned about what you are writing that you might need to erase it and rewrite the word again then maybe you should stick to pencils. Either that or you should stop being a retard and write it correctly the first time around.
A right-handed individual can have a devil-may-care attitude when using one. The problem I have with erasible pens, as a lefty, is that when I use one, my hand is following the pen on the paper. As I write, my hand comes immediately after it, smudging the ink on the paper and giving me a blue splotchy mark on the side of my palm. It's a bitch to clean off too. If I want to avoid contact with the ink I have to write as if I have Cerebral Palsy or something.
There is one good thing about erasible pens.
Whenever I see a blue stain on my palm from an erasible pen, I like to take my frustration out directly on the little fucker. In high school, the hallway lockers had little slits at the top that acted like air vents. If you put the pen in and snap it, the tip comes off and blue ink squirts out in a blob. Sure the locker got stained but so fucking what? It serves the school right for distributing erasible pens to lefties.