Big Umbrella = Big Douche Bag

Walking through the rainy streets of Manhattan is challenging enough on even the nicest days. Try getting from point A to point B on a rainy day and you're liable to get smacked in the face by several cold, wet, obscenely large umbrellas. This is a big city but the streets are crowded with the likes of people trying to get to work or a tourist destination at all hours of the day. During rush hour commute, I like to walk to work instead of taking Mass Transit. This is a nice luxury, I will admit. I've come to terms with the harzards and obstacles that I encounter along my daily route to and fro. However, the large golf umbrellas that some people insist on carrying around over their heads when it rains is down right not cool. And it's always the same rich monkey suit wearing douche bag too. Never the tourist or slacker or hippy or old Chinese woman who carries them. It's the middle age white guy who is not only afraid of getting his $4000 dollar suit wet but apparently the 10 foot perimeter that surrounds him while he walks. These fucks can't even get out of there own way. Hey asshole, leave the stupid thing back at your preppy golf resort and carry a normal size umbrella around this town. The dumbest thing is that they sometimes bloom it open when it's not even raining. Douche Bag!

Can't remember the last time I had a good puke

I honestly can not.
There are 2 kinds of puke. There is the good kind where you feel a bit sick, puke one or twice, then you're fine as if you were never sick in the first place. Then there is the bad kind where you puke so much that you can not stop. You might run out of things to up chuck from your system but that doesn't mean you stop heaving. At that stage it turns into what is known as the dry heave. It feels terrible and it sounds even worse. At least with real puke, the material coming up through your esophagus masks the heaving sound so you only hear the initial retch followed by the splatter of the puke when it finds its target. Dry heaving, not to be confused with dry humping, sounds like the last gasp of a dying giraffe. I don't like those kinds of pukes and I'm sure no one else does either.
The good puke on the other hand is beneficial in several ways. First, your body corrects the minor glitch that is occuring by expelling the bad stuff out swiftly regaining harmony from within. Secondly, the good puke allows the body of an over eager individual who has consumed a bit too much alcohol to say, "hey there big fella, you might want to slow down there a bit." A quick expulsion of the contents tells the over eager individual that the he is not good at being a sprinter when it comes to consumption. Thirdly, it had a rejuvenation quality about it. Like say you've been running and you push yourself too far. You puke when you hit that wall. Afterwards, you feel fresh again (maybe not in the mouth though) and can continue to run. I am not really sure why people run for entertainment. I see nothing fun about. Alas, that is a gripe for another blog.
My point today is I miss the good puke.

Proud of my poo

I realize that poo is by nature a disgusting byproduct of ourselves. I know it smells, it looks nasty and I would never be tempted to eat it. However, occasionally I marvel at the sheer size of some of my poos. Every now and again, I give birth to a turd that is mystical is nature. Yes, I look at my own poo. I think everyone does. They should if they don't already because you need to make sure you have a healthy poo. After all, healthy poo means a healthy you.
Back to the grand poo. Occasionally, I am at a lost for words at the size. I want to take pictures. I want to show someone so they too can stand in awe. It's like a hole-in-one in golf. If no one is there to witness such a thing, does it exist? I know this sound disgusting but I will bet money that at one point in time or another, every single person has had the same reaction to a foot long poo floating in the bowl; a bit of it sticking out like an iceberg lurking through the cold waters in the North Atlantic. It's satisfing is what it is. Physically and emotionally. You want to cry out, "Look what I have created!" If it weren't for the fact that it was poo, I would grab it and lift it above my head and call it "Kunta Kinte!"

Man up

I saw a near altercation today between 2 grown men crossing the street. Here is the situation: 2 men, morning rush hour, crossing a busy Manhattan street before the light changes again. There is a crowd of people all around them and I am behind them several people back walking in the same direction. 1 guy is a 30 something Asian man with headphones on. The other is a late 40 something white guy with strikingly disturbing white hair. I sense he is a real douche bag. In fact, I know he is a douche bag. Asian guy bumps into douche bag as they both cross. Douche mutters something to Asian guy. Asian guy continues to walk forward and mutter something back. The 2 men continue to walk forward and exchange verbal diatribes at each other without missing a step. Neither individual confronts the other other than to say a few snide remarks. This continues for half a block until they both enter the same building. Door holding does not happen. I walk on.
Why couldn't the Asian guy stop, turn around and be a man? Get in the guys face with your egg drop breath and tell the douche bag if a real problem exists or does he need to drop him like the balls on a 12 year old boy going through puberty. Get real for god's sake. Walking on and saying shit under your breath makes you look like the Far East Pussy that you are. The other guy is a total douche bag! I could smell his douchy ass 10 feet away. God, I hate Pussies and Assholes so much.

The Power of Nothing

Never under estimate the Power of Nothing. This is where if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, you choose nothing. There are chores to be done. Doesn't matter. It's a beautiful day to be out side. Whatever. Big important meeting to prepare for. That's nice.
Any of those things are great time wasters but to decide to do nothing at all and sit on your scrawny little ass is sometimes better than doing all those things combined. I personally can spend hours on the couch or in the bed or even sprawled out on a floor somewhere letting my mind wonder. Sure, I might think of the chores I have to do or the big important meeting I have to prepare for but those are only fleeting minutes within the hours of mindless bliss. If I get into a zen like zone, I sometimes even forget what day it is. It's like being drunk but without the hangover.
This is why nap time in Kindergarten is the best time in a persons whole life. 1 hr of forced nothing time on a comfy rug. The very young have so much Power. We adults need to take this Power back and force all people everywhere to take a 1 hr nothing break. People should commit to doing nothing at some point everyday.

I miss slip 'n slide

I loved that shit from the 70's and 80's. I grew up during a time when you had metal roller skates that you put on the bottom of your sneaks. They were sharp and could cut an ankle quicker that a hot knife through butter but I didn't care. Safety precautions were never really an issue back then. Nobody wore helmets or pads when they rode a bike or skated down a neighborhood street. The only person you ever saw doing that was the retarded kid who lived on the corner. Even in the upscale neighborhood we lived in, playing with bricks and dirt and any other weird shit was more fun than playing with over priced Fisher Price crap. The only real fun outdoor toy was the slip 'n slide. We would lay that thing out on the lawn and go crazy for hours. It didn't even matter if the lawn was a well manicured one or not. Some of my friends had what looked more like a desert junkyard than a backyard. More gravelly than grassy. Didn't matter. We'd still lay that slide out and spend hours scraping knees, getting concussions, eating dirt. Fuck yeah that was a fun time!

Old People

Old people bother me. Not because of their advanced age though. I don't like them because they think that being elderly allowed them to get away with doing stupid shit. Having a conversation with the bus driver is a good example. I didn't realize that the 35 year old black male bus driver was best buddies with the 80 year old white woman with hairy legs. Apparently they are because she won't shut the fuck up.
Old Asian women are the worse. Try getting onto an elevator or a train seat once an old Asian woman wants the same thing. They will bite you to get there first. I've seen it. And did you ever notice that old Asian women look like Shar-Peis? Maybe I have an issue with old women. Old men don't really bother me as much. I can really only say that the way an old man dresses is bothersome. Next time you see an old man, look at the way he is dressed and tell me you don't want to throw a blanket over him so the rest of the world does not have to look at his poor fashion sense.
I know one day I too will get old as long as nothing kills me first. There will probably be a 30-something guy who sits on his computer or what ever type of technology they will be using in the future to spew mindless commentary on and rants about being bothered by my kind. That's ok. I'll just be waiting for the bastard on a random street corner one day with a blanket. I'll throw it over him so the rest of the world does not have to look at his poor fashion sense.

Just like me.

People have been asking about my new little spawn and I've told them all the same thing: "She is fairly predictable at this point. She eats, sleeps and poos. That's it". Ironically, I keep getting the same response: "That sound's like me." I then inform them all that they are the 4th, 5th, or 6th person to say that to me. You would think that people in a famous advertising agency would be a bit more creative but I guess not.

dizzy

I love watching little children put their foreheads to a bat handle with the fat part of the bat on the ground and spin around as fast as they can. To help them out I will usually count to 10 to make sure that the get a good amount of spinning done before they lift their little heads up. I like to yell at them playfully to run as fast as they can toward a particular spot. They then run and the fun begins. I laugh and laugh as they jerk this way and that, totally lost of any bearings due to the dizziness. It never gets old. I just had a daughter and one of the things I can not wait to do with her is this dizzy trick. I will get hours of amusement out of it.

A grapefruit out of something the size of a golf ball

I just brought a child into this world. Well, I didn't but my wife did. I'm not into the whole birthing thing per se. I watched her go through 2 hours of intense pushing to get basically no where. Then 5 minutes of suctioning the baby out like a stubborn cork out of a wine bottle. My wife was is tremendous pain and the baby had a coney head. I just get to stand there a photograph it for the future. That's the part I can do well. I can also feed via bottle or change diapers pretty well too. Then again, those chores are a wee bit less painful than the labor process. The funny thing is that my wife has already mentioned that a second one is not completely out of the question some time down the line. I don't know. I'm all for number 2 but after going through the passing through of number 1, I am not sure if that is the Percocet talking or the motherly instinct talking. I would think that after going through such an ordeal, another baby would not even be a thought. Goes to show you what I know. I'll just be there to photograph it.